My So Blogged Life

i hate being sick…in my last blog i revealed that i have been suffering with numerous medical problems for years now…it seems as if every time i blink something else goes wrong, is wrong or could be wrong…all my doctors are specialists and yet they can’t even figure out what the hell is going on with my body…their standard line is
“well you know, you have so many things going on and that one problem can affect another”…i swear i don’t know who is more confused…me or them…i’ve been through so many tests and had so much blood drawn that i could easily classify myself as a garden hose because i should squirt water each time i take a drink…aside from feeling like “death” most of the time, i think the worst part of being sick is missing out on life…life with my husband, family and friends has all be affected in some way or another…i feel as if my body has “cheated” me out of so much…a “betrayal” of self and self-worth…my fears that were once far and few between, now consume me…like a bright neon motel sign flashing in the night, my insecurities and personal demons are brightly and boldly staring me in the face 24/7…each day when i look in the mirror, i see a person who i dislike very much…i am a “shell ” of the former person i once was…i long for the day when i can hold my head up high and smile back at her and have peace and contentment in my soul…each day is a struggle with my present reality…my wish is that one day i will be “whole” again…

elm and i have been married for almost 14 years…unfortunately we do not have any children…it is not because the desire was not there, but instead it was due to my many health problems…after a number of years of medical procedures and surgeries, i finally succumbed to a hysterectomy in 2005…as difficult as this decision was it was what was in the best interest for my overall health…the surgery came and went and my acceptance of the finality of a certain aspect of my life was going quite well (or so i thought)…adoption was always an option ( especially since i am adopted ) and one that elm and i strongly supported…time passed…friends got pregnant and had children…i was genuinely happy for them and i loved being an “aunt”…deep inside though, i had pangs of sadness that i would never have an experience of having a child and all the anticipation and joy that goes along with it…but again i thought i was doing ok…then it happened…my sister in law got pregnant…it would be the first grandchild in the family and as you can imagine it was bigger news than any current event…i was truly happy for her and my brother in law…i offered to help with her shower and elm and i went right out with them and bought things for the little peanut…time went by and some of my extended family members made comments ( whether intentional or not ) in conversation that to me were not appropriate for someone to hear  who cannot have a child of their own …my entire being was hurt and it opened up a door to a whole new set of issues that i am still dealing with today…fast forward…my sister in law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and everyone was elated including me…but it also intensified my feeling of inadequacy and my notion of being left out and left behind…to make matters worse my health worsened and the prospect of adoption was really put on the back burner…then 9 months ago a miracle happened…we welcomed a tiny baby girl into our hearts and home…a maltese puppy… snow white and about as big as a minute she became our shinning star…we named her pookie ( after garfield’s teddy bear )…she was 8 weeks old when she came to us and she needed all the attention and love that a human baby needed…now a healthy and happy 9 month old she has allowed me to showcase my ” mommy capabilities ” that i never thought i would be able to express…i feed her, teach her, play with her, bathe her, love her and calm her fears…she may never know know what a true gift she is…she has given me something that i thought i lost a long time ago…she has soothed my spirit and comforted a dark place deep down in my soul…now my healing process has begun…she knows me as “mommy” and that’s really all that matters…

Hey fellow bloggers…as I sit here sipping a hot cup of joe, I figured what better way to begin my first official post then to share some things about me that you may not know…so here it goes…1. If i could go back in time i would love to revisit the 1920’s…I think it has something to do with the love of my favorite book “The Great Gatsby”…that time of flappers, elaborate parties and prohibition just intrigue me2. One of my all time favorite TV shows is “The Munsters”…to me it is a pure cult classic…I can watch it over and over again and still find it hilarious3. I’m a neurotic, type a personality and a true perfectionist at heart…( hey at least I can admit it )4. My favorite color is pink…my favorite number is 8…and my favorite dessert is chocolate covered strawberries5. I have a fascination with vampires…sultry, seductive and mysterious…6. I secretly want my tongue pierced7. I’m scared to death of birds…and i can thank my father in law for this phobia8. And I am even more freaked out about roaches…big, small, large or tall…I must admit I’m an equal opportunity cockroach hater9. I can forgive but I never forget10. I like most types of music with the exception of country…I don’t want to hear about someone losing out on love, drinking themselves into oblivion, having their dog get run over and die only to become lonely and suicidal…cheer me right up…oh hell no!!!!!!!!11. I’m adopted…for a long time I felt really good about being adopted until a certain extended family member said some things that made me feel like I was less of a person due to my situation…now I am inwardly battling all types of issues that I never even dreamed of until now…12. A friend once posed the question “what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”…my answer…become a dermatologistThanks for taking the time to get to know me a wee bit better!

Once upon a time in a land far far away their lived a princess ( that’s me! ) named princess Penelope…she was married to the prince ( evil little man ) and they had a royal pup named Pookie…the princess had a privileged life yet, something was missing…being that she was royalty certain things were expected from her and that both annoyed and saddened her…she wanted the prince and all the land to understand that there was a completely different person underneath the facade that she presented day in and day out…and being that she was a princess she was going to have her say one way or another…and hence this is her story…